To Be Opened in July 2010 -- This trip's final blog

I know that last blog felt conclusive, but I feel like this one needs to happen. Last year while I was sitting on the plane taking off for Chile I wrote myself a letter and sealed it, to be opened on my plane ride home. Please know that I haven't changed, edited, or explained this letter in anyway. It's streamlined from my mind through my pen, without any attempts toward good grammar. I never thought I would share it. And thoughts or opinions from a year ago might have changed by now.

Here's what it says:

"Dear Self,

Well here I am on the plane to Atlanta, about to begin my year abroad. It still feels fake for some reason. As if I'll just turn around and go back to Winston, Asheville, or camp. Or perhaps it doesn't feel fake, it just feels natural. And at the same time I have so many emotions floating around, tugging at my eyeballs begging for tears. So today I packed like a maniac but I still feel unorganized. Who knows what I packed?! There is some issue with the weather in Atlanta, so my flight has been delayed over and over again. I may be spending tonight in the Atlanta airport. Who knows? I just hope the rest of this trip is generally stress-free (But that it wouldn't be my trip, right?) I'm writing this letter because Katie Cheney reminded me that I did that my senior year of high school, before college. What a good idea. Although I feel like I'm almost too stressed to write an accurate depiction of my thoughts.

Anyway, this is what I hope for myself this year:

To let myself go wild, in the safest way possible. To find love, if there is an opportunity. To be and practice an attitude of non-judgment. To gain fluency. To explore and jump on any opportunities. To be uncomfortable with my environment. To come to a more profound understanding with what I want (currently) in my life. To befriend unexpected personalities. Most of all, I don't want to limit myself at all. I hope I can remember that. Shit. I'm just realizing that I forgot my resume. So I hope I can get that done and turned in as well. I want to go on my own outdoor adventure. I want to BGB. And I want to spread the Spirit.

It's amazing how you look out of an airplane window at night and everything is transformed into a contrast of light and dark. There are lights, and there are not lights. I hope for myself, in the least druggie sense of the word, to stay lit.

So much has changed since yesterday in regards to my mindset of this trip. It's actually happening. I'll have been gone for a year when I read this next. It feels like it's actually happening now. If I forget to tell Haley this the woman sitting to my left is named Hayley, after Hayley Mills as well!! (Did I spell that right, Dad?) I feel like I'm supposed to be doing what I'm about to do. Today has made it all feel right.

So best of luck! Keep your mind open, way open. And don't forget about all of your wonderful friends at home. Don't compare people between countries --- Chilean, Argentinean, American, what have you. It's OK to cry. Just cry it all out to let even more good in. And hey, I keep coming back to South America, don't I? There's obviously some force attracting me. Listen to your forces and gut feelings. Feeling happy and accepted is one of the most important things. Go where you feel that. I hope I've made lots of good choices. And I hope to really stay in touch with people. And remember to breathe through stress.

You know who you are, for the most part. Don't refuse that to yourself. And don't let other people dictate who you are. Fashion doesn't matter. Remember that please. And there's so much more that doesn't matter and does matter. Please try to find it. Or at least begin the search.

Bon Voyage!

Gillian Scruggs


PS: Happy Birthday! Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! And all other things! Welcome to 2010."

Pictures: With my host family before I left Laboulaye, we lit balloons of positive intentions and let them float off into the fog. 

The reason I don't really feel the need to comment on this letter is that I feel like I was pretty spot-on about my goals for the trip. I achieved a lot of intimate, personal understanding about myself and my place in this world. Thank you all so much for being a part of my journey. This is the last page of this blog, but certainly not the end to my love of jotting down stories and commenting about life. Thank you all for taking what I have to say in stride, and for letting me share my ideas with the unknown world that is the Internet. I'm now safely back home, and beginning my gradual re-entry into the USA. I appreciate your love, support, and attention.

Con muchos besos y abrazos,

Gillian Scruggs

Clack-Clack-Clack

Buckling in, gripping onto metal for reality, screaming-- purging a year's supply of emotions. This roller-coaster has almost run it's course. I've been excited, sick to my stomach, scared, exhilarated, inspired, satisfied. The anticipation has been building as I've click-click-clacked up the tracks, up up up to the top of that very last drop. In this lingering moment I can see the end clearly, along with everywhere else that I've been, everyone I've known, looking out over the park. What comes next is that stomach-in-the-throat effect of the final drop at the end of the ride, soon to be followed by the sadness of the ride ending. But mostly, what I expect to feel is the need to turn to someone, to heave a big sigh and say, "Man! That was great!" 

Me and my some of my favorite students (not that we have favorites) on our last day of class.

My classes have ended. I've said my goodbyes to everyone at Gateway. This weekend my host family has graciously offered to take me to Buenos Aires to see me off on my trip home. They're so wonderful. It's sad for me that this blog is ending soon. I want to thank everyone who followed and supported me on my trip. I really appreciated all of the comments and feedbag. United States, here I come!!! Get ready North Carolina!